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Chapter 14 Toxic Vocabulary

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I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young age. Not
only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but
he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was
always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the
rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at
the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old
brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it
was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the
first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us at the
exact same time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the
tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I
remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did.
The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying
flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I
did not. Apparently, Tammy's mother was not as an astute student of language as
my father. When Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, "Tammy,
don't fall!" And Tammy did... fall.

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time
processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures
cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not
falling, her nine-year- old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell
the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain
instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.

This is why people who try to stop smoking struggle with the ct of stopping
smoking. They are running pictures all day of themselves smoking. Smokers are
rarely taught to see themselves breathing fresh air and feeling great. The
language itself becomes one barrier to success.

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or
set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to properly
visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do
and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my
junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just
couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through
my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped
the ball.

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just
thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but
I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal
dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me
playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer
football career.

Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the
power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them.
Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try to drop the
pencil." Observe what they do.

Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You
respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now
please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in
excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.

The point is made.

If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually telling
your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with everyone I
interact with. Either people will do it or they won't. Either they will be at
the party or they won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using
the word try. Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the
world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie
points for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I'll try" come out
of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar.

If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to
succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John.
I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an outstanding
commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks
for the invite."

People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive
statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but
the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the
emotional damage of one harsh criticism.

These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.

Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many
criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have
internal voices that give us direction.

So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself
with toxic self-talk like, "I suck. I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try this
diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement,
imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own
internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.

Notice when you or other people use them.

But	Try
If	Might
Would Have	Should Have
Could Have	Can't
Don't

But - negates any words that are stated before it. If - presupposes that you
may not. Would have - past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen. Should have - past tense that draws attention to things that
didn't actually happen (and implies guilt.)

Could have - past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually
happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.

Try - presupposes failure.

Might - It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.

Can't / Don't - These words force the listener to focus onexactly the
opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches
make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

Examples:

Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!" Likely result: Drops the
ball Better language: "Catch the ball!"

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television." Likely
result: Watches more television. Better language: "I read too much
television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and
picking up one of those books more often!"

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a
daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write
these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change
them.

Toxic Phrase

Re-written Phrase

-------------- End of chapter excerpt -------------------

This chapter is an excerpt from "The Success Secrets of the Rich &
Happy." 435 page self-improvement book relating to wealth and emotional
prosperity.

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